Sad, but true. Well i’m not actually have a marriage phobia, but it scares the hell out of me.

The truth is, i do want to have a nice relationship with someone i love, but the thought of married life just seems so… dark to me. I just can’t imagine myself living under the same roof with a man other than my family, sleeping on the bed with him, taking care of him [maybe] for the rest of my life.

The feeling of getting introduced to a random guy just makes me feel nervous. Even when they’re [my parents] saying, “You don’t have to marry him if you don’t like him” i still feel uneasy. I wouldn’t mind getting introduced to someone at a public place suddenly cause it somehow makes me feel less nervous. But when a random guy actually comes purposely to my house to meet me, i just hate it. I hate the awkward atmosphere of it. I hate the feeling of preparing myself to look good in front of him, smiling all the time. I’m not sure i can do those kind of things again. I know that cause I’ve been in that situation before.

And now, someone wants to introduce me to aΒ  divorced man who is like 10 years older than me. The one who wants to introduce me to him is the same person who helped me getting my job now. Oh no you don’t, just because you helped me find a job in a big [shitty] company, doesn’t mean that you can control my entire life! And yes, you can call me ungrateful. I’m so pissed right now. I’m glad that i can let out my feelings here, cause i have nobody to talk to. Well, more like i don’t feel comfortable talking about this to someone. Gosh, i feel so depressed…

Why can’t my parents understand that i’m not ready for this yet?!?!?!